How Teens Learn: 3 Things all Parents Should Know

Spring break, unfortunately, is rapidly coming to an end. I've read a few wonderful books over break -- some great fiction, and one really interesting non-fiction book about the adolescent brain. In her book "The Teenage Brain," neuroscientist Frances Jensen offers parents and educators insights into the neuroscience of the developing adolescent brain as well as the implications of this science.

(Parents: Be warned though -- Jensen includes a number of anxiety-producing stories in the book as well, as she looks at reckless teenage behavior and the vulnerability of the teenage brain.)

Here are 3 Take-Aways from Jensen's Chapter on Learning:

1. Mastering Key Skills and Information Takes A LONG Time: Mere Exposure is Insufficient, Mastery Requires Repetition and Practice.

Jensen quotes Nobel prize winner John Eccles, "Long periods of excess use or disuse are required in order to produce detectable synaptic change." Jensen comments on this by saying, "What Eccles failed to realize is that the repetitions he observed...those 'long periods of excess use' ... were the the brain at work, learning and acquiring knowledge. After repeated stimulation, a brain cell will respond much more strongly to a stimulus than it initially did. Hence the brain circuit learns. And the more ingrained the knowledge, the easier it is to recall and use."

I've written about how learning requires sustained effort in a particular area over time, both in previous posts and in my book "Beyond The Tiger Mom."  I appreciated Jensen's detailed discussion of the science behind this phenomenon, and I think that contemporary educators need to think carefully about the science here. Too often, educators assume that merely exposing kids to interesting stuff is sufficient -- but if we really want them to master key skills and content, we need to ensure that they get sufficient practice and feedback.

2. The Teenage Years are a "Golden Age" for the Brain

 Jensen writes, "Memories are easier to make and last longer when acquired in the teen years compared with adult years."

This makes total sense intuitively: We remember the music from our teen years so well, we remember things we learned in adolescence so clearly. So what does this mean for our kids and their learning?

Jensen writes: "The teenage years are the time to identify strengths and invest in emerging talents. It's also the time when you can get the best results from remediation, special help, for learning and emotional issues."

What kids learn -- both intellectually and emotionally -- in their teenage years will have a tremendous impact on their later years, so this is a time period when we want to make sure that our kids are getting both a rigorous academic education but also, and very importantly, a thoughtful emotional education. The teenage years are a great time to get kids to think about relationships, emotional control, ethics, goodness, and truth. The values, ideas, and behaviors that they absorb at this terrific stage will impact them throughout their lives.

3. Teens need a lot of help with organization, time management, and focus -- We've got to set limits for them.

This is something that every parent and educator who works with teens knows: many of our teens need a lot of help managing their time, dealing with all the distractions that permeate the teenage world, and focusing.

Many teens, if left to their own devices (pun intended), will waste their time on social media, gaming, and a host of other unproductive activities, only to find that it's almost midnight and they haven't done any of their homework. Then they show up at school the next day, exhausted and frustrated.

So what can parents do? Jensen offers these practical suggestions:
- Remind your teen to stop and think about they need to do  and when to do it.
- Give your teen a calendar and suggest that they write down their daily schedules.  By doing so on a regular basis, they train their own brains.
- Set limits on the amount of time your teen can socialize virtually. Jensen recommends taking a hard line here: "If your teenager fails to comply, take away the phone or the iPod, or limit computer use to homework...Also insist on knowing the user names and passwords for all accounts."

Jensen writes, "The fewer the temptations for your teen, the more their brains will learn how to deal without the constant distractions."


In conclusion, Jensen's book is well worth a read. The science she describes is fascinating, and the implications are profound (though sometimes frightening).

Warning: The Ivy League May Be Bad For You

I just read this interesting article in the Atlantic. In the article, titled "The Ivy League, Mental Illness, and the Meaning of Life," former Yale professor William Deresiewicz asserts that the ivy league fever that grips affluent and ambitious teenagers and their parents is a recipe for misery on many levels: kids jump through hoops, turning into "sheep" with no real depth and substance; kids have inflated but fragile egos that can't survive in the real world; kids end up depressed.

Given the intense competition that I witness around me in Singapore, I do think that Deresiewicz' argument has some value. Will going to Harvard or Yale really make you a happier person in the long run? In many ways, the answer is probably no. These brand name schools will give you definite advantages when it comes to status, networks, and getting your foot in the door. But happiness...? I'm not so sure.

As parents, there is a real danger in telling a kid that he or she "must" get into a "top school." Defining success in very narrow terms is dangerous for so many reasons: it gives kids all the wrong messages. It tells them that success is conditional, love and approval are conditional, and if the kid doesn't get in to one of these "top schools," she will feel as though she has failed terribly and let her parents down.  So right from the start, this obsession with certain "brand name schools" can lead kids to depression.

As for Deresiewicz' assertion that kids become "sheep" in this process -- there is probably some truth there too. Every kid needs to hug a tree, save a poor village, and rebuild houses in a disaster area -- not because he cares about the environment or poverty or natural disasters, but because he feels as though it looks good on a resume. That's just plain wrong.

And when you've graduated from Harvard, you feel as though you've got to do something spectacular -- you've got to make a lot of money and live a certain lifestyle. And that pressure and burden doesn't necessarily lead to happiness. And it doesn't free the imagination. It is, if anything, limiting. (Not that I feel sorry for Harvard grads. I don't. They're a privileged and entitled bunch. But, a Harvard degree is not a key to happiness, by any means.)

My thoughts on the ivy league frenzy -- it's a game, and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. As a parent and teacher, I'd rather my own kids and my students learn because they love learning and serve because they believe in the cause they're serving. I'd rather they apply to colleges that will be a good fit for them, regardless of brand names. I want them to have a broad sense of possibility and a deep love of learning. And most of all, I want them to be physically and mentally healthy and happy.

5 Top Tips: How to listen so your child will talk

Lately I’ve been worrying about one of my high school students. Chun (name changed) is academically successful and well liked by her peers. In school, she smiles and chats with friends and teachers, her face successfully concealing the storm that rages within her everyday.  

Chun and I have a good relationship, and she sometimes confides in me. In one particularly troubling conversation, she confessed her attempts to harm herself and disclosed her deep feelings of despair, anxiety, and futility. I asked her whether she had talked to her parents about her feelings – did they know the depth of her anxiety and depression?

“My parents don’t listen to me, they never really have,” she said, her voice trailing off.

My conversation with Chun reminded me of the pressing need to create strong relationships with our kids when they are young and receptive. If we build and strengthen close relationships with our kids when they are young, then perhaps they will trust us and talk to us when they are older

5 Top Tips : How To Listen To Your Child:

    Here’s a great rule for life: Judge Less, Empathize More.

As parents, we tend to judge and evaluate everything our kids say because we want to help them do better. But in our desire to help, reform, advise, teach and instruct, we often forget to really hear what our kids are saying and what they are feeling.

So next time your child tells you anything, don’t pass judgment. Instead, just listen carefully and try to understand how your child feels.

Prioritize your relationship with your child and think long term.

In today’s world, we parents are often so anxious about short term goals, that we forget what really matters in the long run.

At the end of the day, our children’s happiness matters more than their achievements, and our relationship with them matters more than their marks and scores.  When they are teens and adults, we want them to enjoy being with us, and we want them to willingly share their lives with us.

So next time you’re anxious, think long term. Don’t nag and instruct, but instead sit down and listen. Listening is the foundation for a strong and close relationship.

Create Rituals in your day, where you have time to chat with your kids:

• Bedtime -- when you can cuddle up with your little one and listen to her talk
• Tea-time -- when I was working part-time and had the luxury of doing this, I used to love sitting at the dining table with my kids when they got home from school and chatting with them about their day. I'd play soft music, they'd eat their snack, and I would have a cup of tea. And we'd enjoy each other's company. And most importantly, I'd listen!
• Car-time -- If you drive your kids to school in the morning, that can be a great time to ask a question and listen to your child talk. 

Note: I would advise putting away all phones and laptops during these ritualized talking/bonding times.

Ask Kids Questions, and master the art of the follow-up question

 If you get into the habit of asking kids questions, they will get into the habit of telling you more about themselves. Ask them open-ended questions and let them talk.  Show them that you’re interested in their lives.

Ask them how their day went, how they’re feeling, and what they think…and then (and here’s the hard part!) keep your mouth closed and listen to their responses. Try to really hear what they are saying and feeling.

When your child tells you about something that happened in school, don’t immediately offer advice. Instead, ask follow-up questions: Why did you do that? Do you think you did the right thing? How did that make you feel? What did the other kids do? What did she say next? What were you thinking at the time?

Put away your digital devices, look at your kids, and give them your full attention.

A few days ago, my seven-year old daughter gave me the best piece of advice I’ve gotten in a long time. I was on my laptop looking at my twitter feed. She wanted to chat, but I told her to wait a minute while I read an article.

She shook her head at me and said, “Mama, I’m far more important to you than all the people you are following on Twitter, so please shut down your laptop and listen to me instead of them.”

 I’m proud to say I did – I held her tightly on my lap and I listened carefully as she told me all about her day at school.

And here's an article in SmartParents.SG that I contributed to ... also on listening to your kids.

Adolescents, Depression, Suicide, and other troubling trends

Here's a recent article from the Atlantic on teenage suicides in Palo Alto. It got me thinking about my own students and about the stresses that teenagers in high achieving, competitive urban schools face. In the last few years, I've seen a number of students suffer from different mental illnesses: depression, self-harming, anxiety, eating disorders, and even thoughts of suicide. I've often wondered whether the pace and the level of stimulation that I deal with at my current school is sustainable -- on many occasions, I've thought that we humans are not designed to do so much and to hold ourselves to such high expectations. It's just too exhausting.

Here are some of the issues that I think affect teens (and perhaps adults as well).

1. Over stimulation or Hyper stimulation: There are only so many hours in a day and there is only so much that our minds and our bodies can absorb and deal with on a daily basis. When we have days of non-stop activity, coupled with information overload and incessant sensory stimulation, our bodies and brains become over-stressed. If this continues on a daily basis without breaks, then our bodies and brains literally fray and break down.
Possible antidotes: Limit technology, more time to do nothing (down time), more time in nature, more quiet time and rest

2. Loneliness and Isolation: With parents working longer hours and spending more time on laptops and phones, kids are increasingly disconnected from their parents. Our kids need real conversations, close conversations, with their parents. They need to feel loved, cared for, and valued -- not just for their grades and their performances, but for who they are as people. I have too many students who feel isolated from everyone -- they don't feel close to their parents, and they don't have a close network of friends whom they can really trust. As parents, we can't solve their friendship problems, but we can be there for them to let them know that they are loved.
Possible antidotes: Put away those phones and spend time talking and relaxing with your kids. Stay close to your children, and make sure that grandparents and extended family members are around as well. Maybe also get a pet.

3. Pressure, competition, and a deep sense of  inadequacy: My students often tell me that they feel stressed and anxious about grades and college admissions; they feel as though they're working as hard as they possibly can, and yet they're still not getting the grades that they want (or that their parents want). Much of this pressure is self-inflicted - it's not necessarily coming from the school or from the parents -- but the fact is that kids are feeling it. And often they feel it intensely.
Possible antidotes: Conversations to help kids keep things in perspective. Mindfulness, yoga, and time in nature  -- all ways to help teens recenter and think about what is really important.

4. Exhaustion: When I walk into my twelfth grade classes, my students inevitably look exhausted. When I cheerily ask them how they're doing, their response is almost always, "We're so tired." They never seem to get enough sleep. Whether this is because of the work load, or because of social media/gaming/ and other distractions, the fact of the matter is that a lack of sleep is clearly correlated with mood disorders. Our kids need sleep. And we need to make sure that they eat and sleep in healthy ways.

When I feel the pressure and pace of life in Singapore wear me down, I often wonder if it's healthy for kids to grow up in environments where the bar is set so high -- too high, perhaps. Maybe if we all do less, and worry less about doing everything so spectacularly well, we will all be happier? Sometimes I watch my students -- their exhaustion, their stress -- and I contemplate moving out of the city to the mountains. I don't think that our bodies and minds are built for the high tech, competitive, fast-paced, urban lifestyle that we've created for ourselves. I think that our biology and psychology are at odds with the world we've created, and the costs of this misalignment can be very high indeed.