Asian versus Western Parental Demands: A Deepening Rift?

I recently read this really interesting article in the NY Times on a school district in the US, where parental opinions on curriculum and academic pressure are severely divided along racial lines. Apparently, the White parents in this particular school are pressuring the school to reduce academic competition and pressure, while Asian parents, mostly immigrants, are anxious that the school will then be reducing standards, "dumbing down education," and preventing their children from excelling academically.

Here are some interesting extracts from the article:

"On the other side are parents like Mike Jia, one of the thousands of Asian-American professionals who have moved to the district in the past decade, who said Dr. Aderhold’s reforms would amount to a “dumbing down” of his children’s education.

“What is happening here reflects a national anti-intellectual trend that will not prepare our children for the future,” Mr. Jia said.

About 10 minutes from Princeton and an hour and a half from New York City, West Windsor and Plainsboro have become popular bedroom communities for technology entrepreneurs, pharmaceutical researchers and engineers, drawn in large part by the public schools. From the last three graduating classes, 16 seniors were admitted to M.I.T. It churns out Science Olympiad winners, classically trained musicians and students with perfect SAT scores.

The district has become increasingly popular with immigrant families from China, India and Korea. This year, 65 percent of its students are Asian-American, compared with 44 percent in 2007. Many of them are the first in their families born in the United States.

They have had a growing influence on the district. Asian-American parents are enthusiastic supporters of the competitive instrumental music program. They have been huge supporters of the district’s advanced mathematics program, which once began in the fourth grade but will now start in the sixth. The change to the program, in which 90 percent of the participating students are Asian-American, is one of Dr. Aderhold’s reforms. (bolding mine)"

The article was intriguing, and in some ways it mirrors the discussions I have with parents here in Singapore as well. International schools in Singapore often have a fairly even split between White and Asian families, and this demographic often creates a sort of split personality for the school, pulling it in two entirely different directions. Asian parents tend to want more "academic rigor," whereas Western parents worry that the programs are becoming too competitive and rigorous for their children.

Is it possibly for schools to address the concerns while still maintaining respect for both cultural attitudes towards parenting and education? Also, how can schools run by European and American faculty and administrators become more sensitive to the ways in which Asians view education and parenting? Perhaps the answer is to engage in more cross-cultural dialogue so that both sides actually talk to each other and learn from each other-- taking one side or another seems to be a recipe for disaster, as it will inevitably alienate half the school's population.

East and West: Parenting Styles

When I read articles and books on child psychology and parenting, I increasingly realize how Western-centric all the available research is. With a few exceptions (most notably, Chua’s sensationalist book about tiger parenting),  all the child psychology and parenting literature available is written by Westerners, about Western kids, and for Western parents.

 Interestingly though, most of the literature presents itself as universal, and Western child psychologists seem convinced that their findings apply to all children around the world.  After leaving the US and moving to Singapore, I have been struck by how un-universal Western child rearing and parenting styles are, and I have also become increasingly aware of the very different value systems that inform Western versus Eastern parenting.

Singapore has a substantial Indian population, and since I’m Indian, I have easy access to this particular community. For months now, I’ve been informally polling Indian moms in the playground about their views on childrearing and parenting, and I’m fascinated by what I’ve found. Most of the moms are middle and upper class Indians now living in Singapore, and they have school age children under the age of 12. Simultaneously, I’ve been aware of the marked differences between Eastern and Western parents during parent conferences at the school where I work.

A big qualifier:  I'm making massive generalizations here based on a very limited sample, and there are bound to be many exceptions to these broad stereotypes and statements. In fact, I've worked with many students and parents that defy these stereotypes completely. I have encountered extremely intense and high pressure Western parents and very relaxed, laid-back Indian parents. Obviously, one should never pre-judge a child/parent/person, but nevertheless, I have noticed broad trends and am interested in exploring them further.

 Here are some of my findings:

1. “The Individual versus the collective”

This finding has been documented in numerous sociology/anthropology studies, and I see it very clearly around me. 

Western parents believe strongly in the idea that their child is an individual whose individual rights should be respected. They are often hesitant to critique, punish, or push their children too much because they believe that this will infringe on the child’s individual rights, and it may hinder the child’s development by squelching his creativity and preventing him from expressing his true self. They don’t want him to conform to a group, and they hope that he will be his own person.  They want to encourage choice and freedom, even if that means occasionally letting the child fail or letting the child challenge them/talk back because they believe strongly in the ideals of individuality, self-expression, creativity, independence and free will. 

In contrast, Indian parents believe strongly that their child is part of a family and a community, and that it is of paramount importance that the child realizes that every decision he makes and every action he takes has consequences for the entire family and community. They see the Western way as selfish: it is selfish to focus on the individual, and it is unseemly for a person to consider his own needs as more important than the needs of others. Each child’s life is inextricably linked to the lives of his parents, grandparents, and his community. He must understand how to respect others (particularly his elders), and how to act in a way that maintains harmony in the family and the community. Indian mothers seem far less concerned with self-expression and independence than they are with the child's ability to respect his elders and show consideration for the family unit. 

If the Indian child challenges his parents, speaks rudely, or slacks off academically, the parents don’t see it as a natural part of growing up, like Western parents do. They see it instead as selfish and aberrant behavior that is inexcusable. When asked what parents value most, almost all the Indian mothers I polled said “manners” and “respect.”  When one looks at Indian mythology and stories, these values of respect, loyalty to the family, and filial piety are evident everywhere. Children are expected to sacrifice their own personal feelings and desires for the sake of the family.

Where Westerners may view personal sacrifice  as oppressive, Indians view it as noble and good. One's duty or dharma, in Indian terms, often entails making sacrifices for the sake of the family and community.  For example, a child may want to play instead of study, but clearly for both the child’s own good and the family’s good, it is better for the child to study. Therefore, the Indian parent would feel absolutely justified in making the kid study, regardless of what the child wants. The stereotypical Western parent, on the other hand, would engage in a discussion with the child, and then second-guess herself, wondering whether she is somehow infringing on the child’s individual rights and squelching the child’s creativity by “forcing” him to do something against his will.

One of my Western colleagues used the word "oppressed" when she described the ways in which an Indian/Asian child is "limited" by his parents. In the Western mind, dictating terms to a child is oppressive because it is a violation of that child's individual rights. In contrast, in the Indian mind, it is absolutely necessary because it ensures that the child understands his/her role in the family and it keeps the child on a path that the parent believes will lead to future success and happiness. 

2. Approach to Academic Work: How much should a parent demand of a child? Is it right to push a child academically? Is it fair to the child? Are Asian/Indian children “beaten into submission” by their parents? Is pressure good or bad?

These are interesting questions to consider. The Western view is that parents should be involved in the child’s education and they should make sure that the child does his/her homework. However, at the end of the day, most Western parents will concede that their true goal is to make sure that their kids are “happy” and that they feel good about themselves. In this regard, they worry about striking a balance. They want to motivate and inspire their children, but they also want their children to be happy, and they want to praise and validate their children as much as possible.

The Indian view is quite different. As one Indian mom said to me, “happiness is all well and good, but it won’t get my child a job, and it won’t put food on his table when he’s an adult. He may think that watching television or hanging out with his friends is making him happy, but I know that in the long run, he will be happy if he does well in school and is able to succeed professionally.” Similarly, they seem less concerned with self-esteem. As another Indian mom, who admits to regularly berating  her son for not studying enough, said to me, “if he works very hard and does very well, he will develop self-esteem. So, I have no qualms about shouting at him for not working hard enough or not getting top grades. Self esteem is the reward of hard work.”

I wonder about two things when it comes to the amount of parental pressure that one exerts. Firstly, I think that there is a connection between the economic standing of a society and the degree of anxiety/pressure that a parent feels. India is still a developing country, and Indian parents are acutely aware of the global competition that they are engaged in. They constantly make comments such as “life is not easy” and “look at the competition.” They know that their own country will not provide their child with any back-up (social security/welfare etc) and that the playing field is still not entirely level for Indians. They are absolutely sure that the stakes in this game of education are very, very high, and that failure is not an option. So they push their kids like crazy.

 In contrast, Westerners have dominated the world for the last four hundred years. They have good safety nets: their kids can work at Starbucks and still live somewhat decently, they can rely on the state for public services of a reasonable quality, and they know that the world still favors them over others. In some ways, they can afford to consider “happiness” over “success.”

While part of the explanation for Asian parental anxiety versus Western parental complacency may be economic, a part is also certainly cultural.  Asians feel morally justified in pushing their kids, so they do. Westerners don’t feel as though it is morally right to push their kids too hard, so they don’t. Indians/Asians raise their kids to be obedient (“no back-chat allowed”) so their kids listen when they are told to stay home and study. Westerners raise their kids to challenge authority (“it’s good to question the system”) so their kids may challenge them when they are told to stay home and study.

3.  Western parents focus on Reading; Indian parents focus on Math.

This has been a particularly interesting finding. All Western books on early childhood stress the importance of reading aloud to your child, and then go on to cite numerous studies that show high correlations between “language immersion” and later academic success. They claim that the single most important thing a parent can do to improve their child’s educational outcomes is to read to the child on a daily basis. However, they say almost nothing about early Math skills.

Indian parents (and I think most Asian parents) are, interestingly, fairly relaxed about reading but totally obsessed with their child’s performance in Math. They may or may not read to their child on a daily basis, but they all immerse their child in a Mathematical world from an early age. Most of the Indian moms I polled began formal Math instruction with their children by age 4, and some by age 3. By the time their child turned 5, without any exceptions, they “sat with their child” on a regular basis to work through Math workbooks. They also encourage “Math games” such as chess, building  (lego) activities, and board games. 

They are big fans of the Singapore Math curriculum, and even the most liberal and low-maintenance moms admit to supplementing the school’s Math curriculum with frequent Math sessions.  The Indian moms I spoke with in Singapore uniformly believe that you cannot trust “International Schools” (read “Western schools”) when it comes to Math because Western schools don’t value Math sufficiently.

Where Western moms are convinced that reading to their child is the most important thing that they can do for their child academically, Indian moms are convinced that giving their child a solid Math foundation is their top job on the academic front. Read more about Asian moms and math here: Building a Math Rich Home: Learn from the pros. And read more on Asian moms and the stuff they do here: What Asian Moms Know

More to come on this topic!

Achieving Balance

It’s interesting that all children – whether they are toddlers or teens – tend to simultaneously need opposing things. For example, they need structure and predictability, yet they also need a considerable amount of freedom. Without structure, there’s chaos and kids tend to do nothing at all, yet without freedom, there’s a stifling of creativity and imagination. Similarly, they need high expectations and a little pressure/stress so that they really push themselves, but they also need a safe and nurturing environment where they feel comfortable taking risks and failing. They need guidance because when left completely to their own devices they tend to flail and flounder, but at the same time, they also need to be given choices and left to themselves so that they think creatively and learn to make their own decisions. They need teachers and parents who are simultaneously firm and nurturing, who are at once both “hands-on” and “hands-off.”

The more I think about it, the more I realize that achieving this balance is an important part of being a successful teacher. And it is not always easy. For example, I often wonder about how prescriptive an assignment/project should be?  And how democratic should my classroom be? How do I find the right balance between guiding students and empowering them? And what about the effect of grades: how much should I consider a student’s feelings/self-esteem when I grade a paper or give feedback on a project? How do I find the right balance between pushing a child to work harder and helping a child maintain his self-confidence and self-esteem? How much to critique/push versus how much to praise?

Similarly, as a mother, I find that I’m constantly trying to find a balance between holding my children close to me and letting them go. I’ve been trying very consciously to give my six year old son more freedom. And I’m trying hard to give him the time and space he needs to play creatively on his own in any way he chooses. Yet, I also want to make sure that he gains exposure to organized sports and music, and I want to help him improve his reading skills, so I enrol him in classes and work with him on his reading at home. What’s a good balance though? How much structure? How much freedom? As a mother, I find this balancing act particularly interesting because it has such an emotional dimension to it. Should one be a “free-range parent” who encourages lots of creativity and risks, sometimes at the expense of safety, or should one be a “helicopter parent” who hovers and protects, thereby squashing independence, creativity, and risk-taking? Obviously, the answer is to be somewhere in-between. The mothers I admire most are the ones who are simultaneously very involved in their kids’ lives but also very relaxed and chilled out about their kids. They know intuitively when to let go and when to hold on, when to encourage risks and when to provide safe support.

So, both in my teaching and in my parenting, I think I need to continue to seek balance between contradictory and opposing forces.