When I read articles and books on
child psychology and parenting, I increasingly realize how Western-centric all
the available research is. With a few exceptions (most notably, Chua’s sensationalist
book about tiger parenting), all
the child psychology and parenting literature available is written by
Westerners, about Western kids, and for Western parents.
Interestingly though,
most of the literature presents itself as universal, and Western child
psychologists seem convinced that their findings apply to all children around
the world. After leaving the US
and moving to Singapore, I have been struck by how un-universal Western child
rearing and parenting styles are, and I have also become increasingly aware of
the very different value systems that inform Western versus Eastern parenting.
Singapore has a substantial
Indian population, and since I’m Indian, I have easy access to this particular
community. For months now, I’ve been informally polling Indian moms in the
playground about their views on childrearing and parenting, and I’m fascinated
by what I’ve found. Most of the moms are middle and upper class Indians now living in Singapore, and they have school age children under the age of 12. Simultaneously, I’ve been aware of the marked differences
between Eastern and Western parents during parent conferences at the school where I work.
A big qualifier: I'm making massive generalizations here based on a very limited sample, and there are bound to be many exceptions to these broad stereotypes and statements. In fact, I've worked with many students and parents that defy these stereotypes completely. I have encountered extremely intense and high pressure Western parents and very relaxed, laid-back Indian parents. Obviously, one should never pre-judge a child/parent/person, but nevertheless, I have noticed broad trends and am interested in exploring them further.
Here are some of my
findings:
1. “The Individual versus the
collective”
This finding has been documented
in numerous sociology/anthropology studies, and I see it very clearly around
me.
Western parents believe strongly
in the idea that their child is an individual whose individual rights should be
respected. They are often hesitant to critique, punish, or push their children
too much because they believe that this will infringe on the child’s
individual rights, and it may hinder the child’s development by squelching his
creativity and preventing him from expressing his true self. They don’t want him
to conform to a group, and they hope that he will be his own person. They want to encourage choice and freedom, even if that means occasionally letting the child fail or letting the child challenge them/talk back because they believe strongly in the ideals of individuality, self-expression, creativity, independence and free will.
In contrast, Indian parents
believe strongly that their child is part of a family and a community, and that
it is of paramount importance that the child realizes that every decision he
makes and every action he takes has consequences for the entire family and
community. They see the Western way as selfish: it is selfish to focus on the individual, and it is unseemly for a person to consider his own needs as more important than the needs of others. Each child’s life is inextricably linked to the lives of
his parents, grandparents, and his community. He must understand how to
respect others (particularly his elders), and how to act in a way that
maintains harmony in the family and the community. Indian mothers seem far less concerned with self-expression and independence than they are with the child's ability to respect his elders and show consideration for the family unit.
If the Indian child challenges
his parents, speaks rudely, or slacks off academically, the parents don’t see
it as a natural part of growing up, like Western parents do. They see it
instead as selfish and aberrant behavior that is inexcusable. When asked what
parents value most, almost all the Indian mothers I polled said “manners” and
“respect.” When one looks at Indian
mythology and stories, these values of respect, loyalty to the family, and
filial piety are evident everywhere. Children are expected to sacrifice their
own personal feelings and desires for the sake of the family.
Where Westerners may view personal sacrifice as oppressive, Indians view it as noble and good. One's duty or dharma, in Indian terms, often entails making sacrifices for the sake of the family and community. For example, a
child may want to play instead of study, but clearly for both the child’s own
good and the family’s good, it is better for the child to study. Therefore, the
Indian parent would feel absolutely justified in making the kid study,
regardless of what the child wants. The stereotypical Western parent, on the other hand, would engage in a discussion with the child, and then second-guess herself,
wondering whether she is somehow infringing on the child’s individual rights
and squelching the child’s creativity by “forcing” him to do something against
his will.
One of my Western colleagues used the word "oppressed" when she described the ways in which an Indian/Asian child is "limited" by his parents. In the Western mind, dictating terms to a child is oppressive because it is a violation of that child's individual rights. In contrast, in the Indian mind, it is absolutely necessary because it ensures that the child understands his/her role in the family and it keeps the child on a path that the parent believes will lead to future success and happiness.
2. Approach to Academic Work: How
much should a parent demand of a child? Is it right to push a child
academically? Is it fair to the child? Are Asian/Indian children “beaten into
submission” by their parents? Is pressure good or bad?
These are interesting questions
to consider. The Western view is that parents should be involved in the
child’s education and they should make sure that the child does his/her
homework. However, at the end of the day, most Western parents will concede
that their true goal is to make sure that their kids are “happy” and that they
feel good about themselves. In this regard, they worry about striking a
balance. They want to motivate and inspire their children, but they also want
their children to be happy, and they want to praise and validate their children
as much as possible.
The Indian view is quite
different. As one Indian mom said to me, “happiness is all well and good, but
it won’t get my child a job, and it won’t put food on his table when he’s an
adult. He may think that watching television or hanging out with his friends is
making him happy, but I know that in the long run, he will be happy if he does
well in school and is able to succeed professionally.” Similarly, they seem
less concerned with self-esteem. As another Indian mom, who admits to regularly
berating her son for not studying enough, said to me, “if he works
very hard and does very well, he will develop self-esteem. So, I have no qualms
about shouting at him for not working hard enough or not getting top grades.
Self esteem is the reward of hard work.”
I wonder about two things when it
comes to the amount of parental pressure that one exerts. Firstly, I think that
there is a connection between the economic standing of a society and the degree
of anxiety/pressure that a parent feels. India is still a developing country,
and Indian parents are acutely aware of the global competition that they are
engaged in. They constantly make comments such as “life is not easy” and “look
at the competition.” They know that their own country will not provide their
child with any back-up (social security/welfare etc) and that the playing field
is still not entirely level for Indians. They are absolutely sure that the
stakes in this game of education are very, very high, and that failure is not
an option. So they push their kids like crazy.
In contrast, Westerners have
dominated the world for the last four hundred years. They have good safety
nets: their kids can work at Starbucks and still live somewhat decently, they
can rely on the state for public services of a reasonable quality, and they
know that the world still favors them over others. In some ways, they can
afford to consider “happiness” over “success.”
While part of the explanation for
Asian parental anxiety versus Western parental complacency may be economic, a
part is also certainly cultural.
Asians feel morally justified in pushing their kids, so they do. Westerners
don’t feel as though it is morally right to push their kids too hard, so they
don’t. Indians/Asians raise their kids to be obedient (“no back-chat allowed”)
so their kids listen when they are told to stay home and study. Westerners
raise their kids to challenge authority (“it’s good to question the system”) so
their kids may challenge them when they are told to stay home and study.
3. Western parents focus on Reading; Indian parents focus on
Math.
This has been a particularly
interesting finding. All Western books on early childhood stress the importance
of reading aloud to your child, and then go on to cite numerous studies that
show high correlations between “language immersion” and later academic success.
They claim that the single most important thing a parent can do to improve
their child’s educational outcomes is to read to the child on a daily basis.
However, they say almost nothing about early Math skills.
Indian parents (and I think most
Asian parents) are, interestingly, fairly relaxed about reading but totally obsessed
with their child’s performance in Math. They may or may not read to their child
on a daily basis, but they all immerse their child in a Mathematical world from
an early age. Most of the Indian moms I polled began formal Math instruction
with their children by age 4, and some by age 3. By the time their child turned 5, without any exceptions, they “sat with their child” on a
regular basis to work through Math workbooks. They also encourage “Math games”
such as chess, building (lego) activities, and board games.
They are big fans of the Singapore Math
curriculum, and even the most liberal and low-maintenance moms admit to
supplementing the school’s Math curriculum with frequent Math sessions. The Indian moms I spoke with in Singapore uniformly
believe that you cannot trust “International Schools” (read “Western schools”)
when it comes to Math because Western schools don’t value Math sufficiently.
Where Western moms are convinced
that reading to their child is the most important thing that they can do for
their child academically, Indian moms are convinced that giving their child a
solid Math foundation is their top job on the academic front. Read more about Asian moms and math here:
Building a Math Rich Home: Learn from the pros. And read more on Asian moms and the stuff they do here:
What Asian Moms Know
More to come on this topic!
